Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Go For the Gusto


This week's positive intention class was focused on identifying and honoring the little victim within. We all have one (mine is a little green gremlin with warts and pointed ears who is so ugly he is cute) and their job is to continually warn us of all the dangerous things out there that we need to watch out for. He doesn't forget anything and has this way of linking every negative experience to a few major traumatic events in the past and worrying that if we dare to set one big toe out the door again, we will certainly be run over and squashed flat.

The meditation for this morning involved acknowledging his presence, listening to his fears and reminding him that he is safe and heard. The goal is to disarm him and keep him from ballooning into an enormous source of energy and reactivity whose whiny chatter causes us to do and say things that aren't authentically us. I can recall many instances in my life where I allowed him to take over and I began feeling entitled and pathetic, blaming anyone and anything around me for the situation I found myself in and giving away my power to control my own responses.

After that, the instructor asked us to recall a time when we felt victimized. Observe that moment and think about what that felt like. What emotions does that moment prompt - anger, frustration, fear, sadness? The ultimate goal is to be able to separate those feelings from the person you are now and recognize that that moment no longer has any power over you. Release the negative energy, forgive the perpetrator(s), and truly feel free.

True to form, I didn't choose a squabble between myself and my mother or a time when Bubba sprung a business trip on me out of the blue. Nope, I went straight to the heart of things. In my defense, I didn't actually mean to; it was just that when I sat down to do the meditation, my mind and body went to the most visceral place it could. I was instantly eight years old, lying on a dingy mattress on the floor of a dark, dank bedroom, being molested by my babysitter's teenage son.

I couldn't finish the meditation. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't get past the fear and hatred. My fingers began to go numb, my sacrum felt made of cement, and my jaw tightened. I can't forgive him now. I can't let go. It's clear to me that I have to and I want to, but right now, today, it isn't going to happen. Nothing like jumping in with both feet!

5 comments:

Deb Shucka said...

Sending you light and love and hope that you find forgiveness soon. Remember, forgiving frees you, not him. It does not say what he did is okay. It only allows you to not continue being traumatized by the past.

Anonymous said...

Lots of love and big hugs to you my dear friend. You know oh too well how little reminders and special circumstances bring back these awful memories to the surface and how you can still feel the pain and suffering all over again. Forgiveness might be the ultimate step in the healing process but acceptance and understanding that you have been traumatized by a monster might be a first step. I know you know it all, but sometimes it is just too hard. Be gentle with yourself, I know you know it and I know you do it, just want to remind you... .

-Isabelle

Wanda said...

Ditto Deb. Forgiveness is never about making someone's bad behavior okay. Love.

Carrie Link said...

A friend of mine told me about the Sedona Method (Google it) that can be very helpful with this type of thing.

love.

Alicia D said...

I ditto the forgiveness sentiments above. holding on does nothing to the one who caused the pain, only hurts the one holding on to it (total rip off, right?) I had a similar experience but with an adult (a "trusted" uncle). The person who was hardest to forgive was me bc i felt like it was my fault - like i was so stupid to get myself into the situation. its all good now and ironically enough, is not something i recall when i think of being hurt or victimized. The things that hurt me the most seem banal to others looking in ... its all about our personal perceptions sometimes, totally weird :)
your posts have been enthralling and captivating and deeply thought provoking as of late-- keep 'em coming!

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