Thursday, February 04, 2010

Tired


I know I'm in trouble when I start second-guessing myself. When I am immobilized by the simple notion of whether my child is sick enough to stay home from school today or not. When I talk myself out of being concerned about something that has its roots so deep inside me I can't separate them from my intestines. When I'm not certain that quitting something that makes me feel bad every single time I do it is really the right idea. That's a warning sign. It means I'm tired and I need to stop trying to be everything to everyone.

Last Friday morning I hit that point where all I wanted to do was get in my car and start driving. I asked Bubba if I could move out for a few days. His eyes bulged for a second while he tried to decide whether I was joking or not. I don't think I was but I also knew it wasn't gonna happen. He was leaving that night on his second business trip of the week.

So I stayed. I cooked and shopped, chauffered, cleaned and tucked in. Mediated arguments between Eve and Lola, did laundry, played board games, soothed worries and along about Monday morning Uncertainty showed up on my doorstep with her bags. She was planning on staying a while. She stayed. She didn't cook or shop, chauffer, clean or tuck in. She didn't do a damn thing but nag me all day long, reminding me that every decision I made with my kids in mind was an important one, indeed.

This afternoon, I uninvited her. A dear friend reminded me that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. That even though it's not sexy branding, "good enough" is really just that. And if I mess up today, tomorrow I can come up with another plan and try again. And in the meantime, I ought to kick Miss Uncertainty out and slam the door in her face. Tonight Bubba's home. Tomorrow, I'm dropping the girls at school, walking the dog and having a massage. I'm coming home to shower in just enough time to go sit and have coffee with a good friend and I'M NOT COOKING A DAMN THING FOR DINNER. I'M NOT DOING ANYONE'S LAUNDRY.

Now that's a decision I won't be second-guessing. That's a decision I'm sticking to. That's a decision I feel good about.

4 comments:

Go Mama said...

Oh for the love of Motherhood burnout. You deserve a few days off. We all do. Add a glass of wine to tomorrow's to-do list after you kick Miss Uncertainty out the door. Enjoy your peace.

Deb Shucka said...

Good for you. I hope you're able to give yourself more nurturing time so Ms. Uncertainty and her ugly friends will stay out of your life. Love.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

"Good enough" is my mantra.

love.

fullsoulahead.com said...

I hear you sister.

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