Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Turning on the Lights


Chasing shadows, tiptoeing farther and farther in to the corners of the rooms of my history, I am sad but not frightened. I know there are monsters here, but I know that the most powerful tool I have is light and only I can deprive myself of that. I can feel my lifeline, tied firmly around my waist and tethered to a string of strong, wise, loving women behind me. I'm not going anywhere without this connection and I know the way back. Now that I'm here, I'm filled with a morbid curiosity that will keep me from leaving before I've illuminated every room in this place. I was strangely excited to sit with Deb and make the connections between the painful places in my past and the shameful way it all began. I sat for three mornings after I returned home and let my fingers translate the electricity in my brain that was busy finding more pieces.

Letting it all come was humbling and amazing. I still don't quite know how some of the stories found their way out. Certainly it wasn't through any active effort on my part. I am left feeling that they simply found a path to navigate after all this time and all I had to do was let them come and be sure to leave the door open.

Tonight I am in awe at the power that certain events have held over me in my life. Although there are not many details I recall, the molestation I suffered at the age of eight branded my psyche with a certainty that I was less. Unworthy. Deserving of pain and destined to work every moment of my life to prove myself to others. I accepted this unquestioningly and spent thirty years of my life basing my decisions on it.

The first time I fell in love I was even more determined to hide my 'true' nature and prove myself good enough for the boy I loved. In my fanatical need to be worthy of kindness from this other person, I courted disaster. I refused to acknowledge that I was human and needed any kind of support, emotional or otherwise. I actively solicited physical abuse and felt somehow validated when I received it, believing I deserved it.

I have spent decades of my life living out a sentence imposed upon me by someone who had no right to treat me the way he did. Without him speaking a word to me, I let him convince me that I was trash, worthless, good for nothing, disposable. It wasn't until I began walking through the dark rooms of this house and flipping on the lights that I started to realize he was wrong. Going from room to room I am recognizing the paths I've taken again and again, trapped in the dark. Today, I carry a flashlight and I'm going to light this place up like the 4th of July. Once I'm standing in the light, I think I might be able to begin formulating my own ideas of what I'm worth.

9 comments:

Eileen said...

Kari,
What a brave and powerful post. You do have the power to fight the monsters! You are tethered to a foundation that is full of love, and is as strong as any boulder. It will never move, you will always have a way back. You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. You are worthy and deserve to be always be treated with respect and kindness. Live in the light!! I am with you, in trying to do the same.
((((HUGS))))

Suzy said...

It's a bitch the way the awakening happens isn't it? At the time it seems there is no rhyme or reason, but there is this divine light that suddenly turns on and once it turns on- it doesn't turn off. It's not fun, we both know that, but the best is yet to come. I can promise you that. The freedom it brings is astounding. Your self esteem will soar to new heights, and your gifts will be apparent to you as they are to the rest of us. It's your turn to take pride in them. We all see your beauty, honest. No proving to us your worth, it's so obvious.
Beautiful post my friend.
Love,
Suzy

Scott from Oregon said...

Don't forget to stop and recharge those batteries everyday. A nice cup of joe... a quiet moment staring at the rain...

Michelle O'Neil said...

Oh Kari.

Great post. Great work.

You are worthy, worthy, worthy.

Love.

Deb said...

This is incredible - just like you. I'm in awe of your courage and your willingness to keep shining the light. Looking forward to seeing what you discover about yourself once the lies are burned out of the corners.

Nancy said...

I came over from Michele's blog; my first visit here. "Chasing shadows, tiptoeing farther and farther in to the corners of the rooms of my history, I am sad but not frightened. I know there are monsters here, but I know that the most powerful tool I have is light and only I can deprive myself of that. I can feel my lifeline, tied firmly around my waist and tethered to a string of strong, wise, loving women behind me."

Amazing imagery, beautiful writing!

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Yea! 'atta girl! You can do it, you've done the hardest work already! It's a mixed blessing when the phyche opens and shows us what it's been hiding. It means you are at your strongest now, and it can let down its guard. You are not alone, you are SURROUNDED by loved ones, physical, "virtual" and spiritual! Lean back and let us all hold you while you light the place up like the Griswolds!

MY OWN WOMAN said...

Powerful post.

Kim said...

Kari, this is an incredible post (and series of posts). I am in awe of the power of YOU. The intense work you are doing shining light into these dark places is matched by your amazing ability to put it into words--words that will resonate for so many others.

I'd like to join the chorus: you are so worthy, we need a new word for worthy.

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