ME: I don’t do waiting.
BIG EAR IN THE UNIVERSE: Really? Oh. Gosh, I hadn’t realized. (pause) Okay, let’s see. We’ll take this waiting and give it to someone else who won’t find it nearly so stressful. Now then, what shall we do with you?
ME: Now that we know he needs surgery, let’s plan it, schedule it, and execute our plan in a timely fashion. Waiting three weeks to meet the surgeon and then three more weeks to get in for surgery and then waiting again for lab results is making me crazy. Why can’t we just schedule the surgery for next week and get it over with?
BIG EAR IN THE UNIVERSE: Well, when you put it that way, it sounds perfectly reasonable. I completely understand your impatience and the strain this is putting on you and your family, so let’s just do it. We’ll ensure that something opens on the surgery schedule next week for some miraculous reason. Don’t worry, we won’t harm anyone, and you don’t even have to know the details, we’ll just put your husband in that slot. We apologize for putting you through so much.
ME: Whew! Thank you so much. I really feel better now.
ME: I don’t do waiting.
BIG EAR IN THE UNIVERSE: Well, let’s see what we can do about that. Perhaps if your husband’s condition suddenly worsens in the middle of the night, you could rush him to the ER and wait for five hours to have him admitted. They can do some blood tests and take some films to confirm that, yes, he does need to have his surgery performed quickly and they will admit him. After stabilizing him medically, they will schedule his surgery for two days from now. Is that soon enough?
BIG IRONIC MEANIE IN THE UNIVERSE: Well, she asked for it. I hope watching her husband endure severe pain and vomiting for several hours while sitting in a terrifically uncomfortable waiting room surrounded by sick and injured people isn’t too much for her to handle. Hope she knows she’ll have to find someone to watch her children while she rushes him to the hospital and she won’t know quite when she’ll be able to leave him when he finally is admitted. It’s too bad his surgeon isn’t the one on call and they will have to end up redoing several of his tests because the other ones are at different hospitals and it’s too hard to chase them down at 2:30am. Maybe as long as there is constant activity over the next couple of days (kids to be fed and driven to school, meetings to cancel, colleagues and family members to notify, doctors to meet with, and animals to care for) it won’t feel too much like “waiting” and will be enough to meet her needs. What’ya think?
ME: Crap. Wish I’d never said anything.